For as long as I can remember i was told I could be anything I wanted. I had the freedom and potential to be anything I wanted. In later years I began to hear, "your not dumb, you're lust lazy, and you need to apply yourself" or "you can do it if you wanted to do it." Which was all true. When I needed to learn how to filet all the fish I was catching, I sourced a book and read the words and taught myself. This was in part completely different than being forced fed some state mandated math, (of which which most would agree still hasn't been used unless a degree in applied sciences is pursued.)
I just don't understand where it all went wrong for me. Why I wasn't as academically successful as most of my peers, or why I wasn't in the place I needed to be educationally to this point. Early on at the age of five, I became the product of a confusing divorce, could this have been a root cause? Was it a lack of cognitive development? Whatever the cause it will remain unknown, maybe chalk it up to utter mental laziness. or a lackadaisical approach to everything in school I was told was important. I can recall being taken by my parents to a learning specialist around eight or nine years of age only to find out that I was completely normal, which affirmed the fact that I just didn't apply myself to things that "I" deemed not important. I focused more on play and aligning myself with the proper group of friends rather than doing work to meet predetermined expectations. I just could not get a lock on formal curriculum.
As the years progressed through the public formative education system, nothing was off the table to try and get me on track before being released into the real world. I seemed to struggle most with math, every resource was exhausted, from weekly progress reports, home tutoring and numerous groundings with weekends locked at home being the mainstay. At one point I was reduced to taking business math and accounting, even this barely worked. Why would this primitive brain catch on? I'd say upwards to 50% of my time in class was spent daydreaming or participating with the class clowns, all the while being surpassed by my classmates.
On and on I went, slowly starting to pick up and getting by with B's and C's, I was on the lacrosse team, and knowing full well that I wouldn't be allowed to play had my grades dropped off to a substandard level. I had my foot in nearly every peer group in school, I went to countless parties and was well liked by most. Ok, so I was able to navigate through high school, and while everyone was heading off to four year schools and university. I joined the sub elite group staying behind to populate the local junior college. After two years of doing what I was thought I supposed to do, the cultural norm for kids of my age, college. I left school with 20 credits shy of graduating and joined the Navy.
Fast forward ten years, I find myself a graduate with honors from Culinary school and digging into an industry that was arduous and character building. I've always loved to cook for family and friends and for a moment I believed I could make a career out of being a saucier. The simple fact of living in New York City and giving up all that defined me, just didn't appeal. Four years later I made my exit, transitioning into sales, and ultimately my first gig in the construction restoration business. Diving head first into something that really consumed me, I was amazed at how many different avenues I could pursue in the trades, not really something that would have high returns to start, but the skills to absorb were endless. To be truthful, probably one of the only reasons for staying with this business at first was because I was a new homeowner at the time, and I couldn't fathom the idea of someone else working on my home. Young and able bodied, the possibilities were endless as to how many things I could mess up along my path of learning. I wasn't paying anyone. After a fruitful 11 years of building and learning on project after project, promotions and raises, I departed and pursued new opportunities.
In recent years I have been listening to a ton of podcasts ranging from health and fitness, wellness, travel, and a few times a week a podcast from someone in the special warfare community. Listening to these guys talk about their operational experiences, their training, and the successful business owners that some have become, has had a two fold affect on me. For Example Jeff Nichols team six guy and accomplished fitness trainer, or the CEO of Vigilance Elite, Shawn Ryan, I site these guys because from the standpoint of success through team work, dedication, and perseverance, they have excelled. I look up to them. The other side of the fold is mounting regret. The regret of taking no for an answer, and not looking for a go round within the system, and finally accepting that answer and looking to end my enlistment after a brief four years. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I don't think about that "chance" and what it could have meant. One could say it was meant to be, I mean for all know I would have been killed.
Ok, no more wallowing in self pity, or my own version of underachievement. I like to write a few words on the journey of self improvement and trying to becoming a better version of myself everyday. The kind of husband my wife deserves and the father my kids need. Recently, through the suggestion of my wife, I was given a book that explains the process of self improvement through daily practices that begin very early in the morning. Its called the"MiracleMorning" https://miraclemorning.com/ follow this link for a more detailed idea of what the practice entails. The catalyst behind writing this blog entry and this blog in general, is journaling, internally I have scoffed at the idea of journaling and verbal affirmations as daily practices, I mean who gets up at 0430 every day to scribble in a notebook? My wife has for over a year now, and her recent professional success is a testament to what this practice can do.
For me, its been about 30 days, I'm on my fourth book, 13 blog entries, training and breathwork every day, and there's no end in sight.. I haven't written like this since Mr. Malloy's English class in 10 grade!
Final thoughts...
This entry has been a bit of a digression from my normal writings, the thoughts and feelings were running through my head and I had to get them on paper. I'm hopeful that someday when I have amassed enough uploads that I can begin to spread this beyond my close circle of friends. Until then, growth continues....
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