I don't know if I was struggling as much as others would think or even in the typical definition of the word. I did however, realize one thing, I needed to convince myself and my subconscious that I was struggling and needed a way out. It was the only way I saw myself giving up that which was slowly killing me over the years and many of them. So I took the first step in the same way I gave up cigarettes 20 years prior...straight up cold turkey. Well, lets not say cold turkey as cold turkey is, my ah-ha moment came a few days later.
Every day ends with a walk with the pup around the block more times than not if I'm by myself, accompanied with a cold beer. I did this for the first three days after I committed to myself and my family that I could do this always had a beer. Then in the third day something strange happened, the beer started to taste funny and I didn't even feel like drinking it, so I placed it on the fence still full and kept on with my walk. On the return trip and the end of the walk, again, I tried a sip having the same result, funny tasting beer. So I dumped it and headed for home.
That was it, it was over. At the time of this writing it has been 278 days since I last had a drink. The road is long and it was just beginning, I've begun to place one foot in front of the other, day by day, hour by hour (on weekends, they were the toughest especially when its 100 degrees and all I want is a cold one) So the journey began and rough has been this long road. The stress of parenting, social events, restaurant nights out, all that has been familiar to me since I started drinking 37 years ago always came with a beer. My vice was no more, I needed to reset my approach to life and family without the crutch of my old friends.
I replaced the need with better workouts, a cleaner diet, more activity, journaling, meditation and prayer. Although I still feel the physical withdrawal and need for something cold, I've resorted to club soda, and lots of it to quell the need to have something cold between my fingers.
My renewed relationship with God
Upon the recommendation from a co-worker of which whom I shared my new found sobriety, he extended an invitation to join him at church. Our church is a non-denominational Pentecostal family. From the very first service, I knew that I needed this, I needed to be apart of something bigger if I was ever going to be successful on this no more drinking quest. I like to describe this church in the following few words "the perfect church for imperfect people" No one and I mean no one on this earth is perfect, we are all far from it. I was raised roman catholic and growing up, I was forced to sit through stuffy 42 minute services every Sunday, talk about boring. This church was something completely unexpected, from the thumping pre-service beats, all the happy faces greeting you at every corner, to the music filled service, all the praising, and energy. I was speechless. Only thing left to do was clap along and soak it all in. With about 15 minutes left in the service, the pastor calls on those of us who struggled with anything, alcohol, drugs, porn, bad thoughts, marital issues, anxiety...you name it... if its something in your life you feel has been holding you back from being you true self. Come up and get prayed on. I don't know what came over me, out of my seat I jumped and headed for the nearest section leader. I introduced myself, expressed my need for prayer, and for strength. She placed her hands on my head and began to pray over me. I could feel the music thumping through me as the worship team began to lay out their final song. I focused on the prayer, I focused on myself and my recovery with hope for a new life. A few minutes later she had finished, she said "may God bless you, you're going to be fine." Wow what a moment, I wasn't sure what really had just transpired, but I felt a shift. I was prayed on after the next service as well even anointed with oil, and... after the service was complete, I went over and introduced myself to Pastor Cole this is how our brief conversation went.
"Nice to meet you Pastor Cole, my name is Eric, Torrin invited me tonight.
"Hey Eric, great to meet you, how did you like it tonight?'
"Totally different than what I'm used to being a Catholic, so much energy"
I continued,
"I came tonight because I think I'm done with alcohol"
Pastor stopped me right there...
"Think? brother you're done man!"
as he placed his hand on my shoulder
"Your done, its over!"
I smiled, "thank you I relied, good to meet you, I'll see you next week"
"Yes sir, see you next time Eric"
That was pretty much where I was locked in and completely committed to this... I was about to get all churchy Like!!
To be continued...
Next entry I'll focus on the mindset shift, thought frequency, and self-talk
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